Ask Jerry

Hey Gang:

Are you in need of sage advice? Well, you’re not going to get any here…but Jerry will try to address your issues. Just send in your question or problem to and we’ll post a reply as soon as we can.


Dear Jerry,

There is this boy I like at church, I think he likes me back because he is always touching my head (I am alot smaller than he is) and glancing at me. But the problem is, we both come from families that don’t approve “dating” until you reach the age of 18. My friend at church keeps prodding me to ask him how he feels about me, I don’t think I can!

help, Kurai.


Although it’ve very hard at this point in your life to restrain yourself, it’s very easy for things to get way out of hand when you’re young . The consequences are dire; sometimes, babies…or worse, disease. Can you handle that? That’s what your parent’s concern is based on, the welfare of you and your friend. Remember to respect your parents. They care about you. If you start seeing each other, be open and honest with your families, respect their feelings and opinions as you’d want them to respect yours, and be prepared for them to be upset. If you’re living under your parents roof, and until you’re of age, it’s best to cooperate.



I’m on shaky ground with two women at the office. Its a small law firm and the receptionist and word processor are two young attractive women who I looked forward to seeing every day, because I joke and cajole with them in the morning about anything. However, lately it appears they are able to read my mind before I am able to say anything- and what I am thinking I just would not dare say it as one is married and the other has a boyfriend, and after all it is the workplace. The girls appear either disgusted or pleased right on cue, and it is driving me crazy; should I see a psychiatrist.

One day I crossed paths with Janelle, the receptionist; she dropped some paper, that I reached down and picked up for her, in a sort of jerk reaction, I patted her backside and said quit dropping things; then I said sorry quickly and said that might be harrassment jokingly; she said simultaneously, “exactly.” Now I walk in fear around her, and now the other gal is conspiring with her on how to treat me (with kid gloves no doubt). How do I proceed. I am single but much older than they are.



Whether it’s fair or not, it seems you are viewed as the office lech.

Apologize to the women, be sure to not make any ambiguous remarks and keep your hands to yourself. Be civil to both women and keep your comments related to work issues. Minimize non-work interaction.

Innocent remarks are sometimes misinterpreted and might open you and/or the company up to a lawsuit.


Dear Jerry:

I think a female co-worker *may have* noticed me checking out her butt one day last week and been offended, and I’m not sure what, if anything, I should do about it. Here’s how it happened:

One afternoon we were both walking towards the corner door of our building- she said “hi” and I replied, and then she walked ahead of me and held the door as we walked in and I thanked her.

But then she muttered something under her breath- “That just kills me.” I didn’t immediately think much of that- maybe she was just talking to herself about some incident that had gone wrong during her day, for all I knew.

But I got to wondering…The next afternoon I was heading towards the same door of our building, and I don’t know why I never noticed it before, but but on a sunny afternoon that window is like a mirror.

Should I go to her and apologize for instinctively checking her out and say that I meant no disrespect? What if she didn’t actually see me and gets offended that I’m now telling her I was looking at her butt? If she did see me, is an apology even appropriate?


Hi Ian,

Don’t say anything. You’ll only dig yourself deeper into a hole. There’s no graceful way of bringing this up. In the future, keep your eyes in check. And as John Wayne once said: “Never apologize. It’s a sign of weakness.”


Dear Jerry,

I wanna be a writer when I grow up. writing books like harry potter. any advice?

tom marvolo riddle


Best advice I can offer you is something the great author Saul Bellow said when I saw him at a speaking engagement. “A writer writes.” Don’t just talk about being a writer, do it. Go out and experience life, so you have something to write about and then write. Alot. Make sure your grammar is flawless because otherwise you’ll get laughed at.


Hi Jerry,

I’m going crazy.

Everybody is trying to solve the energy crisis but it’s already been solved years ago. We just forgot about it. In 1997 I drove a GM EV1 all electric car. It was a very futuristic car. It went 0 to 60 in 6 seconds. It was so fun to drive. A rocket. I didn’t buy any gasoline for 3 years and didn’t pollute. I put over 32,000 miles on that car. It cost only 40 cents a day to charge. Then GM got cold feet and took all those leased cars back and crushed them. Destroyed them.

Now the big automakers won’t make plug-in electric cars. They don’t want to. They want to make hydrogen fuel cell cars so the oil companies can sell us hydrogen instead of gas. The problem is that it takes 4 times the electricity to make hydrogen to go the same distance as it would to just charge an electric cars batteries. We already have electricity at home but to get hydrogen to us to fill our cars will be very, very expensive. A big waste. A big scam.

So why am I going crazy? Well I was one of only less than 500 people who drove the EV1 for that much time. So the average person doesn’t even know how great electric cars are. How practical they are. How fun they are. And if we made millions of them we wouldn’t need to go to war to get oil. We wouldn’t need that much oil at all. Our air would be at least twice as clean as it is now. You could just plug your car in at home or work like I did 10 years ago and not buy any gas.

Help Jerry! Help Me save the world!


Jeff, You’re absolutely right. GM killed the electric car and big oil helped. It looks very fishy to me. Somehow I think hydrogen is another big money scam. A documentary was made in 2006 called “Who Killed the Electric Car?” which gives all the info about what happened. I haven’t seen the movie, but I recommend people see it and decide for themselves. Electric cars may not solve our all our transportation problems, but it may solve alot of problems, especially for cities. The electric car would be a good part of an overall plan to conserve energy, improve our transportation system and clean up the environment. Jerry

helpful websites:

the trailer:

info about “Who killed the Electric Car”?

available on dvd from amazon:


yo wats up? i have a question if your best friend is sleeping around with your man, is it bad to keep him and beat her?

Ashley Trinity.Texas

Hi Ashley – Drop em both like a bad habit. That’s not a friend and that’s not a guy you can trust.


dear jerry

my name is tanoan (not kidding) and ive been having self esteem issues when it comes to girls its either I cant think of anything whatsoever to say to them or its I wont even acknowledge them what should I do jerry?

Hi Tanoan – I was shy as a teenager. I still am. Shyness is common, especially in The awkward years. Don’t feel ashamed of it. You’re doing a good job recognizing that it’s something you have to improve on. The best way of handling it is to change your thinking so that you can think of girls as potential friends rather than romantic objects. Someone you might want to talk to, watch a movie with and get their views. The best way to deal with new people is to find out what interests them and get them to talk about themselves and just listen. Most people love to talk about themselves.

Good luck and don’t get discouraged! Jerry.

Jerry, what kind of ending would be most memorable in a science-fiction movie?

Yes, in my head I want to design the greatest movie script ever, equipped with big budget special-effect’s but what I need is an ending, one that is tasteless, elegant and in every way would stay with you, even after you leave the movie theater.

I just want to hear your opinion on this matter, have a good one.



Randy – Always end with a great big explosion. And the final line should be “He tampered in God’s domain.”

Hey, Jerry – I just wanted to let you know that sometimes when I meet a new person, no matter what the name, I’ll ask a spelling question. This is a trick I’ve developed to help me remember the name. I don’t know about you, but I have so much experience being introduced to someone and two minutes later (if that) having no idea what the person’s name was, or still is. So, if I ask a question like “is that with a J or a G” at least it keeps me thinking of the name for a while, and if I do forget the name, then I can try to remember what question I asked, and the name will come back to me. I’m not against asking obvious questions, and sometimes if the name doesn’t lend itself to a spelling question, I’ll ask something like “does that stand for Gerald or Jerome?” What does yours stand for, and are you good with names and if not do you have any other tricks for remembering who you were just introduced to?
As always,
(Stands for Douglas)

Dear Doug, Thanks for sharing the tip about remembering names. It’s tough to remember names and it’s embarrassing when you forget. I’m not good when it comes to names. However I knew a wedding photographer once who was legendary for remembering names. He’d be introduced to a room full of strangers and in half an hour, he’d memorize them all. So I asked him what was his secret. He said the secret behind remembering names is that you have to Want to remember them. So that’s it, if you can figure it out, straight from an expert. And by the way, my name is just plain old Jerry.

Hi Jerry,

We used to have two cats and one dog but about four months ago one of our cats (Zack) died. He was an old guy who had lived a good life and so I guess it’s alright. We had him cremated which we thought was the best choice given what you can do when these things happen. So anyway, six weeks later his ashes were shipped back to us. We were happy to have him back (although I’m not sure how to verify that the box is really Zack and not some other cat, I guess we just have to, you know, believe) Anyway, the problem is neither of us, my spouse or me, want to open the box let alone spread Zack around in the gardens (our original plan). So, he’s just sitting there in a box behind the swing door that leads into our dining room. It was unnerving knowing he was there on Thanksgiving day with all the relatives eating turkey and passing the mashed potatoes. I kept wondering if one of the younger kids might pick up the box, give it a shake and ask, “What’s this?” Thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Anyway, we’re feeling the pressure to DO SOMETHING because we don’t want him just sitting there but we can’t seem to get through that last step. Now it’s practically January and there is snow on the ground. Not a good time for a cat scattering.

I know there are a lot worse problems out there but this is the first time either of us has had a dead cat on our hands or in this case collecting dust in our dining room. Any advice?


It’s always a heartbreak to lose a pet. Sounds like you might not be comfortable scattering the ashes. You can bury the entire box. If you like this option, then pick a nice location on your own property or some other setting you think you think he would enjoy. You can put in a headstone if it’s on your property. If you want to bury him elsewhere, do your homework and keep in mind the local regulations about burying things. I’d be cautious burying an animal on the sly if you know what I mean…Good luck.

Hi Jerry,

I just have a social etiquette question. When I meet a Jerry, I sometimes ask “Jerry with a J or G?” More than half the time its just Jerry. But the fact that I even mentioned that their name could to start with a G, a look of extreme distaste and contempt flashes across their face. Is that normal? Is “Gerry” the lesser of the Jerrys’? Also, when you ask a simple follow-up question, such as, “double RR’s?” or “single R and I at the end?” – I get kicked in the stomach and some sort of city property is hurled at me (disconnected pay-phone reciever/mailbox/trash bin/small dog/etc.)

Is that normal?

Most all of the Jerrys I know, besides the feline Jerrys, spell their name with a J, two R’s and a Y at the end. Us Jerrys are meat and potato guys who like to keep things simple. Gerry with a G is an English spelling, kind of like the difference between the American Jeffrey and the British Geoffrey. So when you meet an American Jerry, just assume he’s a regular guy who spells his name with the regular spelling. I wouldn’t bother asking how the name is spelled. we don’t like that, unless there’s the usual fee involved. In any case, I wouldn’t push it.

I totally understand this man’s question. It is a really great one. I was married to a Gerald..Everyone called him Jerry..I used to spell his name Gerry..He said it is not spelled Gerry it is spelled Jerry. I said why? My name is spelled Gerri..If his name is Gerald why would anyone ever spell it Jerry. It is complicated.

Jerry…What to do you think about his. I think his questions is valid. Like why didn’t my parents spell my name Jeri for Geri or Jerri or ya why. I always wondered the same thing. Please help..your so smart and seem to know exactly what to say.

Thanks and much love and respect..sincerely


Gerri: I’m not sure why your parents didn’t spell your name Jeri, Geri, Jerri, Jermeister or whatever. Jerry with a G is a British spelling and I would theorize that your folks might have some British descent, therefore the G at the beginning. Why they spelled it one way and not the other, I don’t know. I might suspect that it has something to do with the fashion of the decade in which you were born. Or it could have some hidden meaning with your folks.

Hey Jerry. IM 37 , 170 pounds. For years I have wanted to be cut and lean. I exercise and try to eat right. What would you recommend! Coolviper

Exercise more and eat less.


I’m 38, working full time, and taking an evening University history class. Well my early 20’s TA is a total bitch. She hasn’t a clue about work schedules or business demands that are all about keeping a job. But she does have an opinion. Actually, she has many of those. Particularly when it comes to women, suffrage, and their unfortunate place in society. I’m sympathetic. But it seems like every time I hand in a good assignment she grades it down into Hades in order to make up for the unfortunate US herstory. No matter what I do I’m screwed. What do I do?


Maynard –

Sounds like some real animosity here. It may very well be that your assignments are sterling and your teacher is an infuriating misandrist (man-hater) with no insight into humanity. Then again it’s also possible that your assignments really suck. Seriously sounds like an incompatibility issue. It might be time to change teachers and find out for sure. A good teacher makes all the difference.

Jerry –

What should i do? Im only 12 years old and like any other kid i have a fort, but recently me and my fellow fort members got sick. My parents say it’s because, our fort (that’s right beside a creek) is basically on a stream, but the stream my parents say is sewage water Ew! Me and my friends have all our hard worked on homemade weapons, also our shelter that took a week to built is all at the creek. Should i make a new fort somewhere’s else or secretly keep on going to that one?
thx, Cameron

Hi Cameron —

When I was a kid, I also had a fort with a bunch of buddies. We had secret passageways, dirt wars and more. What a blast! Congrats to you and your fellow fort members on being such great adventurers and explorers. It’s so much better than sitting comatose in front of the computer or TV.

Normally, I’d say “Hold the fort,” because I like that saying. However in this case, if both you and your fellow fort members got sick I’d say get the heck out of there and rebuild somewhere else. Sad to leave so much great work behind, but you’ve got to get outta there. Go somewhere else, away from standing water, and build a bigger and better Fort Cameron.

Hey Jerry! I need some love advice. My girlfriend was openly bisexual before we were dating although she has not had any experiences in the last year or so. She says she will never cheat on me, even though she may hook up with other girls here and there for sexual purposes only. I explained to her that in my eyes, this would be cheating. I explained to her because I like females only, and if I decided to hook up with other girls for sexual purposes only, that in her model, this would not be cheating. She disagrees. Any suggestions?

In my book, cheating equals “hooking up” no matter what sex you’re talking about. It doesn’t sound like you’re seeing eye to eye in this most crucial matter. I’d say bail.

Dear Jerry,

I have this rash. It’s right next to my eye. It looks like a giant bruise. Like someone landed a heavy punch to my face. Is that what I should tell people what happened? It’s not going away. The doctor gave me some cream that doesn’t work. Now it’s spreading. Do I tell people I got punched again? I don’t think they will buy it.


Dear Uncontagious:

Your situation kind of reminds me when I got my first crew-cut when I was in the 4th grade. I didn’t know what it was going to turn out and when I finally showed up to class, it was flat-out embarrassing. So I put a cap on in class. But some kids cornered me in the bathroom and pulled my cap off, and laughed at my now-bare skull.

The main thing is not what you tell people but how you deal with treating it so it gets better asap. I’d advise you to go back to your doctor immediately or see another doctor, if he doesn’t satisfy you to find out what it is. It can be hard to get rid of rashes – they can take a long time to heal – but it’s important to know what is causing the rash. It might be from some allergy or might result from some more serious physical problem.

So treat it and don’t worry about what anyone says or thinks.


(**Special Update: 10/31/06**)

Ask Jerry: RE: Uncontagious
Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2006 06:34:41 -0800

Dear Jerry,

I wanted to let you know that I took your advice. I saw a doctor, and when his prescription did not work out, I went and saw a specialist. He gave me a lotion that cleared it up in two days. Two days! Talk about finding the right guy for the right job. And, that’s what you are Jerry, the right guy to give advice. Thanks.


Hi Jerry,

My dog Phoebe really likes the taste of animal poop. I guess she finds good poop out in the garden when I let her out to do her business. She doesn’t tell me about this when I let her in the house accept for the fact that she is licking her lips more than usual and has a faint odor on her breath (I will put my nose in her mouth checking for evidence). Oh, and she will be wagging her tail more happily than usual. The unfortunate result of this outdoor feasting is that she will vomit profusely on my carpet within the hour or so. The vomit will cover several conspicuous large areas and it will look and smell like crap and stomach acid that has been mixed in a blender and then rubbed deeply into the carpet. It takes days to clean up and the apartment smells bad.

How do I convince Phoebe that this habit is not only bad for her but not helping our relationship? It’s just since she is ruining my carpet, it is affecting me and I feel I have a right to address this habit with her.

I really appreciate your advice. You seem very wise.

Thank you,
Lisa K.

Hi Lisa:

First off, I’d like to say, although I don’t have a dog, I love dogs. I’m also a huge fan of Cesar Milan, aka The Dog Whisperer, and I strongly advise you to watch his show on the National Geographic Channel. Each week he takes problem dogs, whether they has a biting or barking problem etc and he comes right in and in fifteen minutes, he fixes them.

Ninety nine percent of the time it’s the same problem and the same fix: You basically have to change your relationship with your dog and assume a leadership role in the dog’s life. You also have to become a leader and you have to exercise your dog much more, walk him at least 45 minutes a day. Walking is the dogs exercise and social life.

According to Cesar, there are three things a dog must have, in this order, Exercise, Discipline, Affection. Most behavioral problems in dogs (and in humans if you ask me) stem from a lack of leadership and a lack of exercise. Dogs slip into bad habits because they have negative pent-up energy they don’t know what to do with. If they’re tired, they tend not to do bad things.

Check out Cesar’s website and watch a few episodes on NGEO. It’s about dog psychology, and changing your role into one of leadership. Think calm and assertive!

Hi Jerry,

Hopefully you can help me this nagging problem I’m having. Have you noticed that more and more restaurants are failing to stock good old French’s yellow mustard? It seems that when you ask for mustard, they either give you this look like you are retarded or, they bring you honey mustard or some spicy neo-mustard. Most times, the waitstaff just fumbles around, says something under the breath and tries to extricate themselves from the unwelcome request by bringing ketchup to the table.

Jerry, how can I best handle these people and get yellow mustard?



Dear Fred:

You’re absolutely right, they have all sorts of varieties of mustards but the good old American yellow stuff is hardly ever an option. Yellow mustard has become victim to a Grey Poupon-ing of America.

I’m not a big fan of this “New Age” Customer Service, which is in all reality, very self-serving, with not a clue on why people would choose to return and frequent a place. I also think that we’ve forgotten about the basics and we go right for the Grey Poupon. Plus, some of these restaurants try to make you feel bad because you want something basic and they only stock these foreign, elitist things. They try to apply psychological pressure to conform.

Stick to your guns! Ask for your yellow mustard. If they don’t have it, bring it up with the manager in a nice way. If this doesn’t work, tell them they lost a customer and pick a new place that is more down to earth.


I’m a charitable guy, and I make a decent amount of money. So instead of just throwing away old things that I don’t want, or having a rummage sale, I donate them to charity. It helps other people, and I get a tax writeoff.

My wife is always telling me I deduct too much money for these things. But I read someplace Bill Clinton deducted $5 for his underwear on the tax returns he had to disclose when running for president. Now my underwear are nice, but they don’t cost $5 even new. So I only deduct maybe $1 or $2 for a really nice pair. These are briefs by the way, the tighty-whitey kind. Anyway, the question is, what do they do with these things? I just put them in the collection bin, but I’m wondering – do these places really want old underwear (it’s clean of course), or is that just gross? I figure if it’s good enough for Bill Clinton, its good enough for me. If you have any insight on this, I would sure like to know.


Dear Rick:

I detect a note of sarcasm in your tale of our former president?

In spite of your best economic instincts, it pains me to inform you that Bill Clinton is a historically significant figure and you, as of yet, are not. He has every right to sell these artifacts although in my mind, it’s in bad taste and smacks of desperation.

Unless I missed the point, this is another sickening example of Capitalism and the crassness of the wealthy. Unfortunately everyday people’s underwear are not in demand at Sotheby’s, so I’d just discard yours in an environmentally-friendly manner.